Wrap me up
by LillyMayFlower
Summary: Lily/Ethan one-shot. Ethan's keeping a secret; can Lily's kindness coax it from him?
**I wanted to rewrite the scene where Ethan told Lily about his Huntington's diagnosis, and it took me this long to get round to it, what with revision (which I probably should have been doing instead of writing this, but oh well!) and all sorts of other stuff.**

 **Anyway, it's based on a song called "Wrap me up" by Leddra Chapman (if you've never heard it I really recommend it, it's a beautiful song) because I heard it just after watching that episode and I thought it just fitted so well. I hope you like it :)**

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Ethan returned to the ED later than Cal, after Emilie's death. Cal came back after six days – everyone thought it was too soon, but the elder brother was determined to throw himself back into work as his coping mechanism. Lily asked him how Ethan was doing, and Cal's answer was quite closed.

"He'll – he'll be fine," he stumbled.

 _Will be fine? As in future tense?_ Lily's reflexive thought was that something else must be going on. But she restrained herself from asking – he was grieving, and different people needed longer. She thought for a moment.

"When's the funeral?" she asked gently.

"It was yesterday. I went by myself," Cal said shortly. Lily was shocked. She was also worried for Ethan. When he wasn't in work the next day, or the following three, she thought better of asking Cal, whose temper regarding his brother was obviously extremely short. She'd wanted to give Ethan some space, goodness knew it's what she hadn't given herself after losing her father. But Ethan was her best friend. Did that mean she could insert herself into this most intimate, personal period of grief? She didn't know.

She didn't have any more time to think it over, either, as the start of the next shift was marked by Ethan's arrival. Lily's impulse was to tell him he shouldn't have come: they were preparing for a night shift and he already looked wiped out. Obviously he hadn't changed in height, that was impossible, but he looked smaller somehow, like a part of him was missing and he'd shrunken back to compensate. But Lily bit her tongue – to have someone comment on his obviously grief-stricken appearance was the last thing he needed. As was the news that he needed to be in resus tonight. He seemed to retreat further into himself at Zoe's words, and Lily instantly volunteered to go with him. There was no question that Ethan definitely didn't look alright, and with no Cal on this shift (with his recent attitude, she wasn't sure how much help he'd be anyway) Lily decided she had to keep an eye on him.

Lily's assertions were proved correct. Ethan wasn't his usual self at all, and it was completely understandable, but it also begged the question: why had he come back? Even thinking about it, Lily could see she was being unreasonable – a few days ago she had been hoping that he _would_ come back. The ED was a lonely place when you only had one proper friend, and they were absent, excusably so but absent nonetheless. As their second patient of the shift was wheeled up to a ward, Zoe came into resus and told the two junior doctors to take a breather.

"Come out of resus for a bit, I know it's been a bit intense tonight. I want you both to take a break, get something to eat, then cubicles needs you, okay?" She breezed through these instructions, then grabbed Dylan as he passed. "I'm sure we can hold the fort in here for an hour or so." Lily followed Ethan out of resus, but Zoe caught her shoulder as she passed her. "Make sure Ethan eats something," she emphasised. "He looks like he could keel over any moment!" Lily nodded.

She watched him closely as they walked into the staff room. His hands were balling in and out of fists at his sides, scrunching the fabric of his trousers. As she started to make tea, she kept half an eye on him: he was looking paler, and a little green, and he was gripping the edge of the sink far too tightly – as he swayed slightly, Lily nearly dropped the kettle in her haste to get get to him. She put her hands on his waist to steady him, and steered him to the sofa, although his feet seemed reluctant to move.

"Put your head down for a moment," she said gently. "You'll feel better soon." She went on with making tea – putting sugar in Ethan's as well as her own, even though he normally went without. She poured him a glass of water too, and made them each a sandwich. As she put the glass of water in front of Ethan, he lifted his head gingerly.

"Thanks," he said, his voice barely more than a whisper.

Lily blushed. "It was nothing, I'd rather have dragged you over than had to pick you up off the floor!" She realised where she'd put her hands as she'd moved him, and she was sure her cheeks darkened further. She hoped that Ethan hadn't minded. To take attention off herself, she brought over the two cups of tea, then the two sandwiches. "Right. On Zoe's instruction, not mine, you need to eat that and drink that, and then she might just let you back out on the shop floor." Ethan made a non-committal sound, but nodded slightly anyway. Lily ate her sandwich fairly quickly, and sipped at her tea, casting an eye over Ethan.

She recognised the way he was holding his cup. He wasn't using the handle; instead his long fingers were wrapped all the way round the cup, with his thumbs interlocked at the side closest to him. He held the mug the same way she'd seen a thousand times before: like a family member who had just heard the worst possible news on their loved one. He held the cup like he was grieving, and his sandwich was completely untouched. The steam rising from the tea was getting less and less.

"That's going cold, Ethan," she said quietly, but he seemed so absorbed in his thoughts that he hadn't heard. "Ethan," she repeated, and he looked up at once.

"Hmm? Sorry, I wasn't listening."

"I noticed." She looked down at Ethan's untouched plate. "I – I wanted to call you, but I didn't know what to say. I hate talking on the phone anyway, and... have you been okay?" she suddenly said. She immediately regretted what she'd said. He'd grieved over a mother once already, then then all in one go he'd found out that not only was she not his real mum, his real mum was in fact dying as well. Of course he hadn't been okay. She tried to backtrack quickly. "I mean, not okay, but -"

"It's fine. Things have been... really hard, but I'm fine, honestly." His voice seemed to break a little when he said _I'm fine_ , so Lily couldn't stop herself probing a little more.

"In my experience, when people use _fine_ twice in a single utterance, and then back it up with a decidedly woolly _honestly,_ things are no okay," she said pointedly.

"Why do you even care?" Ethan snapped. "You don't have to be nice to me." He stood up, and turned pale at once. Lily stood up at the same time, hurt by his words, but more concerned that he might actually pass out this time.

"If you want to be that harsh about it all, I'm being nice to you because I don't want to have to take up a space in cubicles with a passed-out registrar, not when I've been tasked with looking out for you. Sit down." She hoped Ethan hadn't heard the crack in her voice as she spoke, or seen the tears which were prickling in her eyes.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to snap, it just came out, I couldn't stop myself." Ethan sounded apologetic, and two pink spots of shame appeared on his cheeks.

"Ethan, be honest with me here, when did you last have something to eat?" Lily's sudden flash of emotion ebbed away too, and was replaced with concern. Ethan hung his head, and Lily knew that expression. When she'd been lifted into a cubicle by Dylan and Rita, that time she'd passed out onto Dylan (her cheeks still practically burned at the very thought of it), they had asked her the same question, and her reaction had been identical because she just didn't know. "Eat the sandwich. Please. For me," she added as an afterthought. He started slowly, almost carefully, but he had soon finished it off. "Do you want a fresh cup of tea?" she asked, noticing where he was looking.

"You don't have to," he said quickly.

"Maybe not, but I'm being nice to you because you're my friend, you don't have to push me away." Ethan's shoulders were hunched, and he didn't look up. "Do you want a fresh cup of tea or not?" He nodded in response, his expression still morose. Lily couldn't bring herself to ask again what was the matter. If he really was simply still grieving, there was no need to ask anyway. She couldn't shake the feeling though, that something else was wrong.

This time, Ethan sipped his tea slowly, not saying a word, and not complaining about the presence of sugar. (Lily had considered leaving it out, but had concluded that he needed the glucose.) He seemed to be fidgeting, and every so often his lips would twitch, as though there was something he was trying to say, but he just didn't know the words. Lily was pleased the see some colour return to his cheeks; medically at least he seemed to be perking up, if not emotionally. She left the silence between them a little while longer, as Ethan seemed unable to verbalise exactly what was on his mind. Looking up at the clock, she noticed it was a quarter to midnight. She yawned, trying and failing to stifle the sigh which escaped her. She could see Ethan tapping his fingertips on his knee, and in trying to comfort him, she moved to the opposite sofa to sit next to him, expecting him to lean against her. If was in his position, it was certainly what she would have done. Instead, the silence went on, this time an awkward five inches of the distance which would probably always remain between them. Eventually, she couldn't bear the silence anymore, and took a breath, ready to speak. She did not expect Ethan to jump in and say something first.

"I've got Huntington's Disease," he blurted out suddenly.

At first, Lily couldn't believe what she had just heard. She thought it was simply her tired mind, bored of the silence, playing tricks on her. But then she looked at Ethan, and he looked back at her, his eyes desperate. He repeated himself, his voice practically hoarse.

"I've got... Huntington's Disease." The words sunk in, and Lily's breath caught in her throat. As much as it wasn't her place to be upset (this was surely terrifying for Ethan, so what right did she have?) Lily felt tears spring into her eyes. She reached out for Ethan's hand, and felt it tremble as he closed his fingers around hers. Moving closer to him, closing the gap between them, she felt Ethan shaking. She hoped very much that this was not the first time he'd allowed himself to cry. She hoped he hadn't been sitting numbly at home, alone, for the last week and a half.

"Ethan," she said. She put an arm around him, and felt him turn and nestle into her. He was crying so hard, she couldn't believe how quiet he was being. She couldn't say that everything would be okay – how could she? There were no longer any guarantees where Ethan was concerned. She couldn't possibly try to understand what he was going through, but rushing through her own head was the thought that if it felt this terrible to her, it must feel so many times worse for Ethan. And it did feel truly awful to her; even though it was happening to someone else it didn't feel real, it was as though the floor had been pulled out from under her and she was struggling to know how to carry on. She was definitely struggling with what to say next.

Then, between sobs and efforts to breathe normally, Ethan managed to let loose a few words.

"I'm scared, Lily."

It broke her heart, and she felt tears slipping down her cheeks. She was ashamed of herself: this wasn't for her to be upset about. She wiped her eyes roughly with the back of her hand, and let out a sigh of frustration as she saw flecks of mascara stuck to her skin. "Ethan, I don't know what to say. I want to make you feel better and tell you it'll all be all right in the end"

"But you can't," he cried. "You can't, and I really want you to, and that's a terrifying thing. I can't explain to you quite how I feel at the moment – there's a good chunk of it that I can't explain to myself. When you slip down the stairs and your stomach lurches, that's the closest thing I can think of. I feel like I'm in total freefall, and nothing is stopping me. I want to be in control, you know that I like things to be just so, but I've had every little bit of control wrenched away from me. I don't know when it's going to set in, I don't know how bad it will be, and I don't know when my life will cease to be my own. I'm scared, I can barely sleep because every time I close my eyes it's there. It never leaves and it's never going to."

Lily pressed her fingertips to her left eyebrow and closed her eyes for a second. Opening them again, she found some clarity at last.

"I'm here. I think that might be the only thing I'm in a position to say, but I'm here for you, and that's not about to change."

"Do you really mean that?" Ethan's voice was steady, but his eyes were shining with tears. "Because it might be really awful and I don't want you to get stuck with me -"

"Ethan." Lily stopped him at once. "Maybe it will be really awful, but it could just as easily not be. And -" she paused, considering what she was about to say. "And I don't think there's anyone else I'd rather be stuck with, as you put it. What good is a best friend, if they're not always there?" She internally kicked herself for adding that last part.

Ethan seemed to have deflated somewhat, in his relief to have finally told someone his devastating news. Lily hugged him to her, still feeling his unsteadiness. He was crying again, and she just wanted to take it all away from him, even just for long enough for him to get some decent rest.

"Have you – does Cal know?" she asked delicately.

"Of course he does. And he's fine, he's always fine. Nothing ever goes wrong for him, does it?" Ethan said angrily, through his tears.

"I know it's unfair, but you can't blame your brother for this, you really can't."

"But I do. Everything that goes wrong for him, none of it is of any consequence, he can just stroll away unharmed. But I just want to run away, I want to run and run until I can't remember what I'm running from. I want to hide and pretend this isn't happening to me."

"It is happening though," Lily said quietly. "You can't run away, and you can't hide. God, if it was possible to make this go away by running, I'd run with you, I'd take you there myself. Sorry, this isn't helping at all, I'll stop."

"Don't, please." Ethan sat up, rubbing his red eyes. "You're brilliant, Lily, and don't let anyone ever tell you anything different." She looked down to her mascara-smudged hands, feeling her cheeks flush. "You're a whole lot more helpful than Cal in any case. All he's suggested so far is to start doing things that make me happy. Make a bucket list. I mean, what good is that going to do, when I -"

Lily stopped him talking again, but this time she looked him straight in the eyes, then took a breath, closed her eyes and pressed her lips to his. She took his hand and squeezed it softly. She was relieved beyond belief, and thrilled in equal measure, when he started kissing her back. She felt his lips quiver: he still hadn't quite regained control of his emotions.

Ethan pulled away first, and Lily was overcome with embarrassment. She moved away from him at once.

"Sorry," she stumbled. "I just – I wasn't thinking straight – I..."

"Lily? It;s okay. I – wait, I just need you to answer me one thing. Was that – the bucket list, or – what was that for?"

"You said you'd been told (by Cal, I know, but still) to do things that make you happy. And – you – the walls have ears, and I have eyes, and – and – I think I feel the same. I'm sorry if I'm wrong or anything, but -"

"You're not wrong," Ethan said, very softly. "I didn't want to say anything, especially not now, with all this. I didn't want you dragged into whatever might happen, it wouldn't be fair. And I don't know how long we'd have before you couldn't take it anymore." Ethan's face fell at what he'd said, the acknowledgement that this was indeed very real.

"Don't think like that," she said firmly. "You'll have years and years yet, and feel no different to how you do now."

"But you don't know that. And neither do I, and it's scary. I can't stop saying that, because it's true and it's the only way I know to describe this, and still it's not enough. I'm so frightened it hurts, because I don't have _any_ of the answers. Not knowing is horrible."

Lily didn't have anything else to say. She wanted her presence to be enough, her arms around him to make his fears dissipate. She wanted to be enough, but it wasn't as though wrapping him up would make him forget.

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 **Let me know what you think with a review please x**


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